Regardless of mental illness – when a pet dies, it’s completely natural to feel sad. A big chunk of our lives is now missing. If the loss was unexpected, we probably didn’t even get to say goodbye. This is why we are going to discuss how to cope with losing a pet unexpectedly.
It’s okay to grieve – we just have to be careful that when we feel distraught, we don’t react in a harmful way – toward ourselves or anyone else. This is especially necessary to mention because people with a mental illness tend to be more susceptible to stronger emotions.
It can be really hard to maintain healthy control – pets that have been around for a long time tend to hold on to a major piece of our hearts and lives. There’s not just an empty hole in your life where your pet once was, but even your routine changes. It’s no longer wake up and feed them, but wake up and grieve, or avoid looking at the spot where they once waited for breakfast.
I’ve been there before, with many pets over the years (primarily cats). This time, instead of self-harming, I dealt with my sadness in a much healthier way.
Goodbye, Pendragon:
My betta fish, Pendragon, died a bit ago. I hadn’t had him very long, but I was still very upset … so I told him goodbye.
To send him off, I drew him in the environment I thought he would be happiest in. A big, open space with lots of plants and some rocks for him to nudge around:
Even though he was, as some might say, just a fish – he had a personality. Pendragon would get excited and swim back and forth in his aquarium so fast I thought he would crash into the walls. He didn’t though.
He would nudge the rocks around, and when he was fed he would take a pellet in his mouth then spit it out again. A few minutes later he would come back and eat the same pellet he had just spit out.
Pen was fun to watch. Sometimes he would sit at the bottom of the tank and do nothing, but other times he would blow a bubble nest on the top of the water.
His death was out of nowhere – so I, too, was learning how to cope with losing a pet unexpectedly. Other pets we have had over the years got old to the point where we knew it was coming. Although we did have a few cats that got hit by cars and passed on, I didn’t handle those deaths well.
Handling Death the Best You Can:
There is no one way to handle death – even the death of a pet. Everyone deals with things differently, and something this major takes time to acknowledge and process.
To know how to cope with losing a pet unexpectedly, first look at your own style of dealing with pain and sadness. Do you turn that pain inward, like I used to do? Or maybe you turn the pain outward, and lash out at those around you. There are probably other styles of dealing with pain, but those are the two most common ones in the mental illness community that I am aware of.
Now that you know your own tendencies for dealing with sadness and pain, that should give you an idea of whether you process pain within or outside of yourself. I will divide the below suggestions based on those types of processing pain – but if you are a mixture of the two, then maybe a combination of suggestions from both sections would be most helpful.
Processing Within:
- Give yourself time to grieve. This could be sitting in silence and reflecting, or simply letting yourself cry. Just make sure to combine your choice with a soothing activity.
- Going along with giving yourself time to grieve, set a time limit for how long you can think about your pet and your loss. In the beginning, this may be only five minutes or so. After the timer ends, start an enjoyable activity within less than five minutes (or use a relaxation technique).
- Make a memory box, plant a tree in their memory, or have a site you can visit and remember your pet. (These are just a few suggestions – there are so many more ways to remember your pet! Find one that works best for you).
Processing Outside of Yourself:
- Give yourself time to grieve. Writing, sketching, talking about your pet – these can all be ways of grieving a loss.
- Consider grief counseling – some veterinarian offices offer grief counseling for the loss of a pet.
- Join a support group for the loss of a pet, or call a pet loss hotline.
We don’t forget our pets just because they are gone. You are not alone, even if your pet (of any species) has passed on. There is no pet that isn’t worth grieving and remembering. Yes, Pendragon was a fish – but what better pet to let you know that you can grieve a pet of any shape or size. I have loved and lost many pets throughout the years (a few that we had for more than 16 years) but it is a part of life. We can make it through this.
Have you lost a pet recently? What is a healthy way you managed to cope with it?
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional and this is not to be construed as medical advice. Please seek professional help if necessary.
Christian, wife, “hybrid” mama, I run the site All Behind A Smile to help others like me.
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