Have you ever tried your very hardest at something, and still failed? Or felt like you failed, because you were only a partial success at best? That’s where I’m at with breastfeeding… or rather, failing to breastfeed.
When this article goes out, my newborn son will be a little over three weeks old… and despite my efforts, despite shortages in formula, and despite desire to breastfeed, I cannot produce enough milk to feed him without supplementation.
A Trip Back in Time
Somehow, I long for the days when we thought I was the problem… because at that point, I could try harder, be better, and maybe actually succeed. When I wrote Pumping and Not Giving Up, that was my belief… but now we know that the milk supply issue is due to a medication that I have no options to change at this point in time.
I ate (and have been eating) the foods, drinking the proper liquids, relocated my pumping station, tried resting the two weeks after he was born… I STILL bled too much after his birth. I STILL developed postpartum pre-eclampsia. And I STILL developed postpartum depression (likely this time, in part due to the inability to feed my son). The birth was amazing… it was the aftermath. The bleeding. The sickness, both mental and physical… but most of all, failing to breastfeed despite everything.
Failing to Breastfeed
With the formula shortages, many people are loudly declaring to the world that mothers should “just breastfeed”. And yet, we forget that isn’t an option for so many women… and even if it IS an option for mothers choosing formula, we forget that they deserve that choice… and once that choice is made, after a certain amount of time, there’s no going back.
The people that voice their opinions the loudest are often the ones with the least ability to understand… the pain. The hurt. The frustration. Whether it’s a tongue tie, or an inability to latch, or health issues, even free choice… it isn’t an easy choice.
To know that your child isn’t being fed by you. To realize that you could provide better nutrition, better health benefits, and aren’t able. Watching your child be fed by someone else, because you can’t provide, is like a slap in the face.
Deficits
Failing to feed your own child feels like failure. It feels like a deficit, and yet it’s often beyond control. The very medication that keeps me sane and mentally stable prevents me from producing enough milk to keep my child fed, and will likely soon cause my very small milk supply to run entirely dry… long before we are ready.
We have looked into options, and right now my options are formula or donor milk. I am unable to change medications AND safely breastfeed AND function. I keep pumping, hoping for a miracle, and watching my small supply slowly dwindle. Reducing my medication dosage with my doctor’s close supervision, hoping to balance the two – milk supply and sanity, all the while walking a very fine line.
Mama, you aren’t alone out there. Decisions have to be made, and they won’t be easy… but you aren’t alone. Whether it’s to sacrifice your time to pump for your child while you work, or to humble yourself and ask for milk donations, facing judgement from choosing formula, or to risk the cracked nipples from trying your hardest and maybe still failing to breastfeed… you aren’t alone.
Christian, wife, “hybrid” mama, I run the site All Behind A Smile to help others like me.
[…] a quick, easy read that also gives helpful tips and tricks. As for my (struggling) nursing journey, What It’s Like Failing to Breastfeed tackles that […]