Much like child free does not equal unable to parent, having children does not mean there is an ability to parent, either. The reason for making a point of this contrast is simple. Parents can learn parenting skills from people who are not yet (or even don’t want to ever be) parents themselves.
It’s so ridiculously common for us as humans to expect (and even make statements about) other’s lack of ability to understand what we are going through, or worse, have an ability to handle a situation they have not personally experienced.
In other words?
We tend to firmly believe that “experience is the best teacher” while we also claim to believe that “an outside perspective” is a great helper.
Which Is It?
Both. I’m going to argue both.
There are valuable skills I’ve learned from friends who are nowhere near parenthood, and other skills I’ve learned from other parents. Pick and choose who you listen to, but don’t discount someone due to lack of experience. Sometimes, people that are further from the situation (non-parents) can see things more clearly and with less bias than other parents.
Child free does not equal unable to parent. If that were true, new parents would be unable to parent, at least until that magical moment they had their firstborn – and the idea of “natural” instincts would be discounted. However, we as a society see new mamas overwhelmed with the very fresh task of parenting a newborn – and adoptive parents doing absolutely fabulous.
Child Free Does Not Equal Unable to Parent
Before I ever became a parent, I was open to listening to advice from people I trusted from all walks of life – parents or not – about parenting and parenting skills. A child free friend told me that the most important thing to do as a parent was to “be consistent”. And that is not only logical yet hard to do, it has proven to be great advice.
For some reason, though, when becoming a parent it’s like there’s this mysterious urge to block out all the noise (probably because there’s a lot of it) and only listen to those who have experience. Maybe that’s a simpler way of culling the information overload we experience, especially as new parents, but it isn’t the most practical or best approach.
Instead, shouldn’t we take it case by case (or person by person)?
Look at their overall lifestyle and how it compares to what you are desiring. Look at their family background. And if they are a parent, take their parenting style into consideration – but don’t limit yourself unnecessarily. Child free does not equal unable to parent.
After taking needless limits out of the equation, there’s a lot more on the table. For instance, if you have a mental illness and so have been torn about the idea of having children, these Questions to Ask Before Having Children can help you by giving you questions to ask yourself, and get your brain started in the right direction before you jump on the child-rearing train just to find out it’s traveling way too fast.
Christian, wife, “hybrid” mama, I run the site All Behind A Smile to help others like me.
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